


I Can't

by babybam



Category: HOTSHOT (Band), JBJ (Band), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Happy Ending, Mental Breakdown, Taehyun-centric, there's a lot of donghan x taehyun?? but it's all platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 18:32:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12870516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babybam/pseuds/babybam
Summary: Taehyun hadn't slept in three days and he had been fine, but now he crashed.





	I Can't

**Author's Note:**

> Hello? I'm a bit scared about posting this, my first JBJ fanfic. I fell in love with them, and especially Taehyun, just recently and as the angst writer I am, I'm here to deliver. This could be better, I'm not entirely content with how the fic turned out but here it is anyway.
> 
> There's not nearly enough Taehyun fanfics to read so!! I'm here to post some, I plan on writing more Taehyun fics!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Taehyun hadn't slept in three days, he had so much to think about. His thoughts were a mess, spinning around in his head, making it hard for him to focus on anything else, impossible for him to sleep.  
He had been fine though, he had taken small power naps between schedules and no one had noticed how tired he was, apart from the make up stylist who pointed out the dark circles under his eyes. They were all a little tired probably, having many schedules to attend every day. Taehyun hadn't showed his exhaustion, although he was feeling _really_ tired the more nights he spent awake.

But now though, he crashed. He was sitting in the living room, on the couch. He didn't want to wake Donghan up so he had come out of their bedroom. Tears were pouring down his cheeks and he tried to be as quiet as possible. He occasionally gasped for breath since he was crying so much, breathing was hard. He felt like someone had thrown him into water and he couldn't find the surface, he felt like he was drowning, in his own tears maybe. He was suddenly feeling everything at once, the tears kept coming although he tried to wipe them away.

The pressure of being the leader was suddenly too much. The mistakes he had made made him guilty. Was he not a good leader? Was he not meant to be the leader after all? Before Produce 101 he hadn't had any leader experience, he had never thought of himself as someone who would be taking care of people. But somehow it just seemed like the role actually fit him very well.

But now. He wasn't feeling like that. He had made mistakes. He was the leader of JBJ now and he was supposed to be the responsible one, the one who made sure everything was right and nothing was wrong. They needed to give a good image out to the public but Taehyun fucked up. He had just tried to joke. His words and behavior could affect the whole group, if he did something wrong it could affect the other five members' future as well and Taehyun didn't want to ruin their future.

 

Taehyun covered his face with his hands, sobbing hard. He had apologized for his words that had angered the netizens, but that wasn't the only reason he felt inadequate as a leader. Was he working hard enough? What if the members weren't content with him being the leader. What if they thought he just wanted to be the leader because he was the oldest? What if they thought Taehyun thought he was better than the others, being older and having more experience? Was he too strict?

There already were fake articles on the internet about him and he felt like people just wanted to find any reason, even the smallest reason, to hate him. And they were even making things up to spread the hate. What was it about him that made people so angry at him just for existing?

He reached for his phone on his right. He knew it was late, but he hadn't checked how late exactly, so he didn't really hesitate when he dialed Sungwoon's number. He didn't know why he was calling Sungwoon, and not Junhyuk, or even Jisung, both of them were leaders after all.

-

It was quarter past three in the morning and, surprisingly, Sungwoon was still awake. He and a few other members were still laying in the living room, they were chatting, thinking about going to sleep since it was really late.

When Sungwoon's phone unexpectedly started to ring they were all startled, especially Daehwi, who was half asleep next to Sungwoon. 

”Who is calling you at this time, hyung?” Daehwi yawned and rubbed his tired eyes.

”Taehyun hyung?” Sungwoon said, he was _really_ confused.

”Huh?” Daehwi was too.

 

”Hyung?” Sungwoon answered. It took him a moment to realize that the other was crying, he frowned. Why was he crying? And at this time, in the middle of the night? Where were the other JBJ members?

”Taehyun hyung? What's wrong?” Sungwoon tried again. Daehwi next to him looked concerned and the others were looking at him too, everyone was listening.

 _”I- I can't… I can't do this… I can't.. Sungwoon… I can't,”_ Taehyun was crying hard and Sungwoon barely understood the few words his hyung said. But still Sungwoon didn't understand what he _meant._ Sungwoon looked helplessly at the other members. Jisung got up from the floor and sat next to Sungwoon on the couch.

”Hyung, listen, you need to calm down. It's okay,” Sungwoon spoke and looked at Jisung. ”He's crying, hard,” Sungwoon said to Jisung and Daehwi on his other side tired to reach for the phone but Sungwoon shook his head. He didn't want Daehwi to hear how hysterical Taehyun was.

”Where are you? Are you hurt?” Sungwoon asked, Taehyun cried harder.

 _”N-no, I'm at the… D-dorm,”_ he answered. _Good._

”Where are the others?” Sungwoon asked, referring to Taehyun's group. He had to wait for an answer for a while as Taehyun kept sobbing.

 _”T-they're s-sleeping.”_ Sungwoon frowned. He tried to ask what was wrong but Taehyun kept crying and stuttering. Sungwoon felt helpless.

 

”Taehyun hyung, go wake someone up,” Sungwoon said but Taehyun refused. Sungwoon sighed.

”I'm gonna call… Hyunbin and wake him up, he'll come help you, hyung,” Sungwoon said, he felt terrible when he had to hang up on sobbing Taehyun.

 

”What's wrong? Is he okay?” Jisung asked when Sungwoon ended the call, Sungwoon shook his head.

”I don't know what's going on but he was crying so hard and said that he can't do something? I didn't understand what he meant,” he answered and searched for Hyunbin's number. Daehwi was pressed against Sungwoon as he had tried to hear Taehyun as well. Guanlin and Seongwoo were sitting on the floor quietly.

-

Hyunbin woke up when something was thrown on his head. 

”It's almost half four, why the hell is your phone ringing,” sleepy Yongguk complained on his bed. Only then did Hyunbin register that his phone was, indeed, ringing.

”Sungwoon hyung?” Hyunbin said when he noticed the caller ID. Why was Sungwoon calling him in the middle of the night. Or at all, in fact.

”Hello?” Hyunbin answered, his voice hoarse. Yongguk was listening too, wanting to know what this could be about. 

_”Ah, hi Hyunbin, sorry to call you at this time but could you go find Taehyun hyung? He just called me crying and I don't know what's wrong,”_ Sungwoon spoke and Hyunbin sat up.

”What?” he breathed.

 _”Just go find him… He's really not okay,”_ Sungwoon begged.

They quickly ended the call and Hyunbin explained to Yongguk what Sungwoon had told him. Both of them got up quickly, the two cats meowing in confusion too.

When they opened their bedroom's door they could hear that someone was actually crying. It worried them even more and Hyunbin banged loudly on the door of Taehyun and Donghan's room. Maybe the maknae knew more, the two were roommates after all. Hyunbin followed Yongguk to the living room where the crying was coming from.

-

Taehyun didn't look up when he heard someone walk in the living room. He was still sitting on the couch, leaning forwards and hiding his face in his hands. He still coulnd't stop crying. His phone had dropped on the floor after Sungwoon had ended the call with him. He didn't feel any better after the call, Sungwoon had been worried but Taehyun hadn't been able to speak or tell him anything. Taehyun felt bad for bothering the younger.

”Hyung?” came Hyunbin's low voice. Taehyun sobbed. Someone sat on his left side, so close they were touching. Taehyun finally looked up when his hands were pulled away from his face.

”What's wrong?” Hyunbin asked as Yongguk tried to wipe the tears from his face. Taehyun's lips were trembling as he tried to keep the sobs in.

They all turned their heads when another pair of feet stepped in the living room. Donghan. The maknae looked sleepy but confused, and alarmed when he saw their hyung crying.

”What's going on?” he asked and moved to sit on Taehyun's other side. Donghan looked at Hyunbin, the older one quietly explained to him what had happened while Yongguk tried to calm Taehyun down so he could tell them why he was crying.

 

Donghan turned to look at Taehyun, he quickly met eyes with Yongguk. He pulled the leader in a tight hug, Taehyun buried his face on Donghan's shoulder and _cried_. The way Taehyun was gripping Donghan's pajama shirt almost felt desperate. He cried louder, not caring about waking up anyone since half of them were awake already anyway. He let out choked coughs when he couldn't get enough air.

 

Five minutes later Taehyun's sobs had turned into a small sniffles. He was leaning heavily on Donghan, still keeping his face hidded against the younger's shoulder.

”Do you need some tissues?” Hyunbin asked and Taehyun nodded. He waited for the other to get the tissues before finally leaning away from Donghan. He blew his nose, feeling better afterwards.

”Tell us,” Donghan said, they all wanted to know what had caused this.

Taehyun froze. He didn't want them to know, and that was the reason why he just wanted to have his mental breakdown quietly and alone. All the thoughts were suddenly clear in his mind again and he bit his lip harshly.

”We should go back to sleep,” Taehyun spoke, voice hoarse. The other three looked at him with unimpressed expressions.

”Hyung. Firstly, you weren't even sleeping. Secondly, we care about you and we want to know what's going on,” Donghan spoke. Taehyun sighed, rubbing his face with his hands.

”Am I a bad leader?” Taehyun asked. Donghan, Hyunbin and Yongguk were shocked.

”What?! No! You're the best leader,” Donghan breathed.

”We couldn't ask for a better leader,” Hyunbin said, agreeing with Donghan. Hyunbin had sat on the floor in front of Taehyun.

”I just… I feel like I could easily ruin your futures since I'm the leader of this group and if I'm not careful people could start disliking the whole group and I could ruin your image. People already dislike me,” Taehyun said quietly, wiping his eyes.

”Am I too strict? No fun? Do you… Think I'm trying to be better because I'm the oldest and have experience? Before Produce I hadn't ever been a leader, so am I actually even good? I don't have much experience in actually leading, ” Taehyun asked, he felt embarrassed saying those things.

”Hyung, no one thinks _anything_ like that. You haven't ruined anything and we think you're an amazing leader. None of us could be even nearly as good as you,” Donghan tried to assure him. Taehyun just frowned, looking down.

”You were a great leader during the Produce missions, you're an even better leader now. We all love you, hyung,” Donghan said and wrapped his arms around Taehyun and pulled the older against him again.

”Donghan's right, hyung. You're good to all of us, you're a great leader. And the people who hate you, they don't know you. Any hate towards you is bullshit,” Yongguk said.

”I'm sorry. It's just hard, having the responsibility and pressure,” Taehyun sighed. ”And I haven't slept in three days and I'm so exhausted and.. and,” he rambled. Donghan's arm tightened around him.

The three looked at each other. How had they not noticed their leader was not sleeping. And for three days. Unbelievable.

”We're now gonna go to sleep and I'll make sure you sleep too, we have nothing tomorrow so you can sleep as long as you can,” Donghan said. He stood up and pulled Taehyun with him. The leader nodded, already walking to the bedroom. He hoped he could finally get some sleep, having had a breakdown and talked with the members.

Yongguk pulled Donghan's arm when he was about to follow Taehyun.

”Let's… Keep an eye on him? Make sure he won't feel too pressured again, he isn't supposed to carry all the resposibility, no matter how much a leader he is,” Yongguk said, Donghan and Hyunbin nodded. They knew every one of them was supposed to be responsible for themselves and the group, not just Taehyun.

 

Donghan quickly hurried after Taehyun and caught up with him just before he was about to go to bed. He quickly grabbed Taehyun and pushed him to his bed.

”Wha-” Taehyun yelped when he landed on the other's bed. 

”You're sleeping with me tonight, hyung. Cuddling makes it easier to sleep,” Donghan winked and Taehyun rolled his eyes, but climbed properly on Donghan's bed anyway. He laid next to the wall and watched Donghan settle down next to him. The bed wasn't exactly king sized but it actually fit the both of them very well.

”Good night, hyung,” Donghan said. 

Taehyun waited for Donghan to fall asleep, he wasn't expecting to fall asleep quickly, if at all. But he didn't even realize that he himself was the one falling asleep first.

-

Around ten in the morning Donghan shuffled in the kitchen. Hyunbin, Kenta and Sanggyun were sitting at the table eating. 

”How's the leader-nim?” Hyunbin asked when Donghan sat down. 

”Good, he fell asleep in minutes and is still sleeping,” Donghan said, yawning. Kenta looked up from his phone, he frowned as he looked between Hyunbin and Donghan.

”What happened?” he asked. Sanggyun was looking at them now too. They hadn't actually realized that the 95 liners had been asleep the whole night and didn't know what had taken place.

 

”Sungwoon hyung called me last night after three,” Hyunbin started and Kenta raised his eyebrows at the name. 

Hyunbin and Donghan proceeded to tell them what had happened. How Taehyun had been crying, how he revealed he hadn't been sleeping and how he felt about his position as the leader. Sanggyun and Kenta both agreed that Taehyun was the best leader they could ask for. And none of them wanted Taehyun feeling like he wasn't enough. They all made sure to lessen Taehyun's burden from now on. 

Just when they were done talking Yongguk walked in the kitchen, still looking sleepy, carrying Tolbi in his arms. He greeted them and Hyunbin mentioned that they told the other two about the previous night.

 

Since it was a free day for them all, they were just chilling in the dorm. They didn't bother wearing anything fancy or even put on contact lenses. Hyunbin, Donghan and Kenta were sitting on the couch, the TV was on but Hyunbin was probably the only one focusing on the program.

Taehyun walked out of the bedroom, eyes still half closed and hair pointing everywhere. He looked like he had literally woken up ten seconds ago. Donghan looked at the clock, it was almost one o'clock which meant Taehyun had slept for about nine hours. _Good_.

”Morning, hyung,” Donghan said and moved so Taehyun could fit next to him.

”Hi,” the oldest replied, his voice hoarse. 

No more words were exchanged as Taehyun rested his head against Donghan's shoulder. He wasn't awake enough to do anything yet but he had not wanted to stay in bed either. He felt a lot better than the previous day and night. He hadn't slept so well in days.

(And having Donghan next to him was actually nice.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! Leave comments and kudos :D


End file.
